I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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