Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
BRING THE BAGELS
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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