I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
