The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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