For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
