Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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