I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
