I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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