i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
