This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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