Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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