I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
