she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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