I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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