I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
