FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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