I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
