Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
