Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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