i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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