Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I could teleport
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
