Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
