i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize