If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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