Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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