If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
