literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
