He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
farters have to be the big spoon...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
