I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
