I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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