My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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