It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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