I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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