Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.