I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING