jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
