I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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