he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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