just tell him i said nine months
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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