i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
