Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
