we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just had sex on a roof
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
