That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
