4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
