i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
