ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
