im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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