I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's never too late to be topless.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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