My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
