allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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