we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
