I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is