Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I pour the whiskey from now on
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful