i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements