my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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