genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
